The MrK Matchmaker

So last night me and some friends were at a ball game, LG Twins @ SK Wyverns, two high profile clubs in the world of pro baseball here in Korea. Being the only foreigners in the area, the cameraman below may have seen me and my girlfriend as somewhat of a goldmine. Me, the large barbarian with a hawked-head and Dirk Nowitzki jersey. My girl, the cute western chick sporting a Wyverns jersey. You guessed it, we ended up on the Kiss-Cam, a ballgame tradition that Koreans have adopted with the ambition of creating a level of giggling that one might only see in a hot-boxed kindergarten.

Needless to say, the motor started running. What if I could head up a type of matchmaking service for personalities of the sports world?

(Queue the dream sequence sound effects from Wayne’s World)

Here are a few ideas of a match made in… purgatory.

I wasn't surprised at the news of Favre sexting innappropriately to Jenn Sterger. What I found really shocking was that he actually knows how to use a mobile phone.

  • Brett Favre: Judy Dench, she’s too old to work a cellphone.

  • Eric Lindros: Pamela Anderson, he needs a new head and she doesn’t mind giving some.

  • Dirk Nowitzki: Rosanne Barr, so they can perform a duet that’ll give Simon Cowell a seizure.

  • Dwayne Wade: Janeane Gorafalo, anyone more attractive would make LeBron way too jealous.

  • LeBron James: Jenna Jameson, she can teach him how to finish strong.

  • Steve Nash: KD Lang, they can both turn away while we play “Who’s Who?”

  • Jenny Finch: Chris Brown, she throws underhand, he throws backhands.

  • Manny Ramirez: Whoopi Goldberg (see “Who’s Who?” game)

  • Cristiano Ronaldo: Tara Reid, neither of them ever hesitate to go down.

  • Michael Phelps: Beyonce, they can combine their bling and challenge Fort Knox.

  • OJ Simpson: Casey Anthony, so we can all gamble on who survives to the 1-year anniversary.

  • Michael Vick: Catwoman, she pretty much owes him.

  • Tom Brady: Cloris Leachman, she’s too old to get pregnant.

  • Antonio Cromartie: Octamom, One mom with 8 kids. One kid with 8 moms. Perfect match. They can form the first family with 16 kids in the same grade.

  • Sepp Blatter: Tanya Harding, eliminate all enemies!

  • Tiger Woods: Nobody from rival Finland, we don’t wish to anger “She Who Shall Not Be Named”.

  • Albert Pujols: Casey Anthony, he’s Pujols and she’s full of it.

  • Sebastien Vettel: Danica Patrick, makes sense in the bedroom, she always lets men finish first.

  • Kobe Bryant: Paris Hilton, they can score from anywhere.

  • Braylon Edwards: Madonna, she might be a bit contagious, but he never catches anything anyway.

  • Ben Roethlisberger: Soviet fighter-pilot Marina Raskova, she loves Stallin’.

  • Josh Hamilton: Lindsay Lohan, they both hate sunlight.

  • Roberto Luongo: RuPaul, she’ll have no problem penetrating him.

  • Brian Wilson: Ellen DeGeneres, they both enjoy a face fulla bush.

  • Billy Jean King: Bobby Brown, both undefeated against the opposite sex.

  • Chris Perez: Tara Lipinski, Halloween costume set – Hagrid & Hermione.

  • Dennis Rodman: Tila Tequila, you need a worm in the bottle.

  • Ronaldinho: Julia Roberts, obvious name for first-born child… JAWS

  • Wayne Gretzky: Anyone he wants, he’s fucking Gretzky.

  • Jimmie Johnson: Any of his cousins should do, he’s a NASCAR driver.

  • Wayne Rooney: An ongoing process, his dates keep dying of old age.

  • Lance Armstrong: Angela Merkel, he’s already ridden everything in France.

  • Sachin Tendulkar: Amy Winehouse, no other couple had more positive TEST results.

Compulsory ballgame beer consumption only ever allows for the retention of most, not all of what was thought of during the brainstorm. If you know of a poor professional athlete in need of true love, please do him or her the service of bringing it to my attention.

Final Score – LG 5:4 SK – My Korean League jynx percentage is Bambino-like.


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